


Throw-Away:  Gloating, Consultations, and Advice

by brainofck



Series: Throw-Away [7]
Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2013-07-18
Packaged: 2017-12-20 14:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/888385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brainofck/pseuds/brainofck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So.  Ian and John discuss developments.  Elijah decides to go to Orlando for advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Throw-Away:  Gloating, Consultations, and Advice

**Author's Note:**

> Slash is fiction. So while we may all be demented, slash is basically the author's own ~~porno~~ script, populated by the individuals she feels would be ideal to fill the various roles ~~if she ruled the universe~~ if she were ever fortunate enough have the opportunity to bring her vision to the screen.

John was the picture of misery. He was reclining on the embankment under the shade of a tree, hands covering his eyes, Gimli's axes strewn about on the grass around him.

Ian's heart went out to the poor man. What he needed was a distraction. Ian wandered over and sat down on the cool grass next to him.

"I can practically smell the hormones in the air," Ian said, without preamble.

John snorted.

"If they were women, I'd say the entire Fellowship was cycling together," he replied.

"Yes," chuckled Ian, pretending to read his script. Scripts were the best camouflage. Sitting chatting, he and John might be a temptation for any number of people - two old pros with great stories to share. A real target on a boring afternoon.

Add a script, and they became two members of the Fellowship discussing draft 149 of the script, and everyone on set was likely to avoid them like the plague, with the possible exception of Viggo or Philippa.

"A couple of days ago the hobbits were discussing the size of Elijah's cock in comparison to Viggo's. You've heard the rumor Merry and Pip are spreading?"

John sighed. "I've heard several variations of that rumor. Plus Elijah says it was an act. And Sean says it was totally innocent. But neither of them explains exactly what Sean was doing there in the first place."

"Mmmmmmm," murmured Ian to page 23 of his script revisions. "I must say I'd have loved to see it, even if it wasn't the real thing. They certainly convinced our little peeping hobbits..."

John chuckled and peered at Ian through a crack in his fingers.

"You haven't asked me what's been going on in our trailer," he said smugly.

"No, I haven't! And what exactly _has_ been going on over there? Viggo's been fading out every time he gets remotely near Bean, which has been essentially all day. Orlando can hardly walk properly, and keeps tossing his Elven locks and waving his pretty little Elven ass every time either of them looks in his direction. And Bean is surveying practically the entire Fellowship as if they were his own private harem, the smug bastard."

John gave him a smug grin that quickly turned to a pained grimace.  
"This damned makeup," he muttered. But Ian noticed he couldn't stop himself from grinning again.

"Our Elf got his comeuppance for his participation in the 'Viggo's Tiny Cock' rumor, in a way that didn't sound like it was going to discourage him at all..."

"Quit beating around the bush, infuriating dwarf, and just out with it already!"

"I really shouldn't..."

"Oh, you know you should," Ian growled threateningly.

John chuckled.

"Well, in a nutshell: Beanie tops just like you knew Major Sharpe would; Orli makes the most delicious sounds and is very, very flexible; and when he's got a hard-on, Viggo loses track of which language he's speaking. Gods, who would have thought Danish could sound that sexy?"

"Ah. And our Strider switches, too. But living with Elves all that time, what would you expect?"

Ian was speechless. He groped for words, spluttering.

"Details, man! Details, or I swear..."

"Gentlemen?!" The shout came from the set. Pete was waving to them wildly. John sprang to his feet with surprising lightness and agility for a man so recently wallowing in allergic agony.

"Duty calls," he laughed, and went trotting down the hill, swinging his axes in glorious arcs.

* * *

It was amazing how easy everything became, once you decided to do something, Elijah thought.

And he had decided two things.

One. He wasn't kidding about Orlando. That crush had been coming on for some time. He hadn't really thought about it seriously before, but all things considered, why the hell not?

Two. He absolutely was going to fuck Sean. Maybe Sean was out of his league for a long-term, serious, relationship kind of thing. But Sean had offered, and he was interested, and once again, why the hell not?

The main problem, he thought on his way to Feet, was that in many ways Orlando was going to be a lot more difficult for him than Sean. 

Orli was all about the love. He was all over everybody, all the time. Earnest, interested, affectionate. Elijah could definitely imagine him falling in bed with Sean and Vig. But he could just as easily have believed Bills and Dom. Or Liv and Cate. Hmmmm. Perhaps not Ian and John. 

So how to crack Orlando?

* * *

Ian decided that there was no creature more devastating than Frodo in Rivendell. Elijah glowed. The fabric of his costume was soft and touchable. His ringlets fell so that when you looked at him, you couldn't avoid being drawn to look into those shocking eyes, made dreamy and strangely clear by the lighting. Every person he met seemed to fall under his spell. The Ringbearer, in all his glory, not yet crushed by his burden. A testament to the strength and beauty of the Shire.

Elijah had come on the set much later in the morning than the other principals. Now Ian was watching him mix in with Beanie and Viggo and Orlando and he _knew_ that Elijah was up to something. He stopped to chat with Viggo, and when he stepped away, Viggo's eyes followed him. The boy made his way to join the other hobbits and Orlando, who were sharing some joke or other, and his added laughter drew Beanie's eye. Orlando hung off him. Ian suddenly saw a fourth in the morning's triangle, and it made him very uneasy.

"It seems to me that as the elders in this little escapade, we really ought to step in and try to prevent disaster." Ian muttered, taking the stool next to John. They were just pausing for a quick reset of the lights, then back to it. No time even to step away. 

"Oh, why?" John said, with a snicker. Orli was flirting outrageously with Viggo and watching Sean out of the corner of his eye the entire time. How Pete was missing it, Ian would never know. But it was working for the scene. Who knew that a bunch of guys in pseudo-period dress sitting around talking about Mount Doom could smolder quite so hot?

"Because a misadventure like this is the death of professionalism on a set? Because we both know Beanie's playing mind games with Elijah and our Angel's much too young to handle this kind of thing? Oh, any number of reasons…" Ian was annoyed. He had always thought of John as the voice of sanity. But instead he just seemed to be sitting back and enjoying the show.

"What makes you think I'm not the one playing games with him?"

Ian's heart nearly stopped. He slowly turned his head to find Elijah standing immediately behind him, preternaturally large eyes made huge by the perfect curls framing his face.

John, the twat, just snickered into his beard.

"Elijah…" Ian began. Then he turned to John in horror. "He does know, doesn't he?!"

"Of course, I know," said Elijah, all breezy assurance and irritation.

"Elijah, you cannot mean to get tangled up with them?!" Ian exclaimed.

"Why not?"

"Sean and Viggo are _both_ old enough to be your father. Between them they have been married _five_ times. Can you imagine what that means? Have you even had five girlfriends?"

"Why don't you just ask 'have I even _had sex_ five times?'" Elijah replied, clearly affronted.

"Well, what about Samwise, then? Don't tell me you don't recognize _his_ infatuation with you. How can you go chasing some sort of kinky on-set fling? Imagine his crushed little face, when he hears the rumors."

"If you want my advice, I'd say you could take them all and run the show. And what about my crushed little face?"

Oh. God.

There was Samwise, standing on the other side of John. 

"How the hell do you people keep doing that to me?!" Ian exclaimed. 

John laughed outright. 

"Really hobbits, don't land Gandalf in the hospital with a heart attack. Think of the shooting schedule!"

"You can't possibly be advising Elijah to go after all three of them at once?" Ian just stared at the Sean in horror.

Sean shrugged and turned to his fellow hobbit.

"I was coming over to say that Bills is trying to get everyone together to go out to that new dance club tonight. I say, dress to kill and flaunt it. I even know exactly what you should wear."

John nodded sagely. "Make them beg," he pronounced, like Zeus from on high.

Elijah just smiled to himself.

Ian collapsed back onto his stool. He felt completely out of his depth.


End file.
